Saturday, 6 October 2007

Edging towards madness

Having begun edging towards the zone earlier this week, my inability to reach it is turning me mad. Everything serves to thwart me, it seems.

For me, writing is very much about momentum, and this has never been better than back in June/July when I very briefly acquired the habit of belting out words at 6:30am. But, alas, when I arrived at ENDS my momentum carried me over the edge of a cliff and I plunged into a chasm of possibilities. I have lurked there ever since, occasionally finding a few hand and footholds to drag myself off the chasm floor, but I tire easily these days and have to rest at the bottom again.

All it needs is a big effort to scale the entire wall and clamber over the brink into the sunshine. But this seems to be beyond me at present. Such a climb requires undivided attention and enormous energy, neither of which appear to be available.

But such thinking is not helpful. Now is the time to find strength, determination and self-discipline. Reject distraction.

My current predicament is not helped this weekend by my work situation (as in 'paid employment'). Unfortunately, I could easily spend the entire weekend in the office. This leaves me feeling a) resentful, b) frustrated, c) guilty, d) indecisive. All negative emotions. All bad. Probably much to do with my current descent into madness.

2 comments:

  1. dear ellen,

    it’s heartbreaking to read this.
    all I can say is that you need to find the time to take care of yourself & right now, taking care of yourself means writing.

    perhaps it’s time to rob peter to pay paul.
    maybe 10 minutes less facebook, 30 minutes less tv & 20 minutes less sleep – that’s 60 minutes right there.
    i know a 60 minute stretch doesn’t sound like much, but if you can string a few of them together, it would be a start.
    i also know that taking time away from things that are fun or diverting is hard, especially when you already sound quite drained, but the reward in terms of mental health & self esteem is so great.
    perhaps you need to look at it as trading one kind of joy for another – you know which of the two types would be more fulfilling.
    also, it wouldn’t be forever, just to get you over this hurdle.

    truth is, you know all this.
    i’ve no doubt you’ve already thought it.
    i just wanted to let you know that i’m thinking of you and that i’ll be sending you happy thoughts.

    signed,
    elmo’s mummy

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  2. You can do it. I know you can. You know you can. I do this all the time, and all the negative feelings are resolved after a few good hours' writing. Then I wonder why the hell I spent so much time procrastinating and wasting time when I could have just sat down, written something, and had some guilt-free reward time all to myself. It's a familiar zone, isn't it?

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